Lies Never Make Friends

Sunday, November 28, 2010

When I was in my late teens I had a best friend whom I was always with. We had a lot in common. Both of us were the youngest in our families, our fathers passed away while we were both 19 years old and we had the same obsession with fashion like most girls do. We met in high school where we were 2 out of the 4 Muslims there. Then we entered the same varsity together and became closer than ever before. Zaina* was the older one. She was beautiful and she knew it therefore she could charm her way into getting anything she wanted from people. I admired her confidence and her street-wiseness. Not to mention, I was also at the peak of my obsession with Arabic culture at the time so I learned a lot about it from her. However, Zaina had a big weakness - she was a compulsive liar and I mean a major, big time liar. She would lie about the simplest things that it wouldn't make sense for anyone to not tell the truth about these things so naturally I would believe her. 

One day, I couldn't take the deception anymore. I was so used to it I was able to tell when she was telling the truth and when she wasn't; and everytime she told a lie I would just pretend to go along with it just for the sake of our friendship. However, I reached a breaking point where I couldn't stand being lied to by someone I genuinely cared about. It was hurtful and disrespectful and I simply didn't want to be friends with her anymore. As much as I tried I just couldn't. Things weren't the same because I would doubt everything she told me. I would have to remember all the other details she told me in the past to make sure they all added up. In the end I decided it was too confusing and soul-draining because the trust was gone.

Today, Zaina doesn't live in New Zealand anymore. I've blocked her from my Facebook and MSN because there is no point in keeping in touch with someone I don't trust. I really hoped it wouldn't have to come to this as I am quite a soft-hearted person and I care about people, sometimes much too easily. However, my experience with Zaina has taught me to be careful with whom I choose as my close friends. 

Along the years I've come across other not-so-nice people and upon learning about their negative attributes I would pry myself away from such friends.  However, an episode similar to what I faced with Zaina happened recently and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it (as usual) so I pretended like I didn't know about her lies. Deep down inside, I was very disappointed. . . even more so with myself than her. My 'liar radar' was working just fine and I knew this person would be a risk but I chose to ignore the red flags altogether all in the name of friendship. I believe in kindness and giving people chances. I believe in helping others and I don't expect anything in return except for a very simple gesture called honesty. However, what happened recently made me realise how selfish people can be but it also made me appreciate all the wonderful people that I do have in my life and how lucky I am to have them. For quite a while I couldn't get over the fact that I had allowed such a thing to happen once more but then I realised that if it weren't for horrible experiences with people I wouldn't recognise a true friend the way I can today. I wouldn't have learned that sincerity and honesty are virtues I value more than anything else in a friendship. I decided it was time to let go of my distress and that it was more important to be the kind of friend I wish I had more of; one with an open heart filled with positivity, hope and earnestness.

What do you value most in a friendship and how do you tell if someone is a good friend or not?


*not her real name

9 comments:

RS said...

I've a common trait with you. I give people waay too many second chances to the point that they morph into something very ugly.

I value honesty, most definitely. I've had a very similar experience with you.

It hurts when whom u trust dont admit their lies and makes u seem like the bad one.

Urghh.

But we can only learn from our mistakes.

Forgive but don't forget the lesson.

Feda said...

Very interesting topic as always. Lying is a habit that starts in small ways and can quit easily take over. I don't mind admitting at some point in my life I was somewhat of a compulsive liar. A good friend helped me to see this and from then on I have been an open book. Honesty is freeing and so stress free. Eventually it will come back to your friend and she can choose to keep going into that downhill spiral or choose to change. We can only pray that they get to a place where they can even recognize a change is needed.

And yes, like you I'm VERY selective when it comes to friends. It's important to keep positive beautiful people around you!

Thanks for the lovely post as always ;)

Bitten said...

I always believe that..

"If you can catch others to lie, they are probably doing the same shit to you."

Love and Sugar said...

A thing I value in friendship is someone who genuinely loves you for the sake of Allah, wants you to be happy and wants the absolute best for you. Honestly is also, of course, an important trait.

Quite hard to find these days but alhamdulilah I truly value those I have in my life. There may not be many but they're all I need :)

unsettledsoul said...

What I value is NO DRAMA, and also intellectual maturity.

I have had a similar experience recently. A friend I was making efforts to get closer with began showing jealousy and envy. She would get mad if I did something with someone and didn't invite her, or would argue with me if things didn't go exactly the way she wanted.

I finally realized this person is an unhealthy personality and simply immature; so I started to tell her I was busy, stopped returning or answering phone calls, texts and emails.

And that is it, I'm done. I try to do things respectfully but I also am not one to keep negative people in my life. Not worth it. I try to surround myself with people I admire, people who challenge me to grow and become better.

Lamis said...

I think for a friendship to work both people need to be honest with each other but they also have to be considerate. Some things should not be said between friends, no matter how close they are. I trust my friends with so much of me but some things I have to keep to myself because I don't think they have to be shared. Privacy is a major part in friendship

All friends that I believe to be good are there for me when I need them to be and keep their distance when they know I need it. They know when I need to learn a lesson by myself or need to be thrown back into reality. I think those are the best kinds of friends to have. =]

Thanks for the great post. It really put me to think.

Nur said...

It would be interesting to see who my/our true friends are at the end of the day. The ones who just says hi and yah yah yah i agree, or the ones who reply my/our messages even if it's not important or urgent. And that's where I/we know who are the sincere ones.

Sincerity, honesty, care for each other is important in building a strong friendship.

InshaAllah we will meet these sincere friends and get to cherish them, friends dunya and akhirat. :) These are the friends that we want.

BuLaN said...

for me a true friend doesnt need to call/text me 24/7 but someone who would call/text you from now and then just to say "hi":)

i am a very individual person. i dont have many close friends but i have enough good friends. now my husband is my bestest friend:)

rialive said...

salam alaikum,

i had same problems with you. but i just to keep remind myself, it's them, not me.
but now i got more selective, because i do believe that intuition comes from Allah, so when i feel something wrong, i will leave them.
alhumdulillah i never lonely, many better friends have sent by Allah, and I am comfortable with them, trust them inshaAllah, and love them for Allah.

inshaAllah, you'll never be lonely.
sisters hugs!
xoxo